The Ambiguous Storyline

I am afraid; afraid of letting go, afraid of taking in, afraid of maintaining. That is the anxious vivacity that consolidates my life, the years in it, the months, the days in the months, the nuclear hours in the boundless days, minutes and immeasurable secondsI am afraid of loosing because I have already lost. Fear and passion altogether, the collision of these two brings torment, anguish and the unpredictable agony in which my life is based on. Every now and then we realize how fantastic, unpredictable and unique our minds could be. Inside our fist-sized brains, neurons and brain cells are directing us to do things that we might no want to do, to have thoughts that we are not supposed to have, to behave not exactly as we “are” and many other particular things. From this idea this quote came to mind, “This is who I want to be today, that is who I have been for the past ten years”. Could we really do this? Could we consciously or unconsciously predestine who to “be” or decide how to cope with life? We all have our own personal mystic or realistic ideas about our character, our beliefs, our destiny and our past/future. Now, what about our present? Can we deliberately control our perspective, our inner self, and our soul? We spend a vast amount of time fixing, managing, and coordinating our lives because we can change them. Our lives are flexible; they are there to be directed by us, to be handled by us. That is how the idea of our ambiguous storylines comes to place. Storylines are those aspects of life that tell the person that you are. A storyline can get so attached to me that it actually becomes me, or sometimes not. Sometimes a storyline does not represent who I am, and this is when I detach myself from it. Sometimes I am even aware that I am playing something that I do not want to play, but I am so compromised with it and with everyone around it, that it is hard to detach, and this could bring problems. In my past love relationship I was displaying many of these storylines that I talk about. I was embraced in many of this, only because of conviction, and at the end I realized that this was not who I really wanted to be, it was just a compromise that I did not want to break. I was the helper, trying to help this other person obtain legalization in the United States. I was also the wife, the women that had to report every move, the starter of the matrimonial relationship. At the same time, I was a student, only trying to do her best, trying to keep up with all that involves a student life. All of these storylines and many more were involved in this relationship, that at the end, did not even resemble the person who I truly wanted to be, it did not reflect my personality neither did it identify myself. It was extremely hard to detach myself from it, because once I was in it, it was even hard to realize that I was. But at the end, I came to mind; I thought of my life as a whole, I thought about this attachment and of how damaging it had been to my life. Then I felt extremely free, free of all of those things that tied my life to an unworthy entity, and now it is just me and the wanted storyline. The truth is, we are here to make our own destinies, our own selves, and we could mystically or ideologically detach ourselves from this identity that comes to manipulate our souls. That identity is probably far from being who we really are.